Remember Names
One of the most important and basic parts in building rapport is to remember a person's name. How many of you have trouble remembering people's names? And isn't this normally the problem: you look at somebody and think "You know what, I recognize your face. It's your name I forgot." I'll bet the opposite has never happened: "Bill, how are you doing? I remember your name, it's your face I forgot."
Dale Carnegie said, "The sweetest sound to an individual's ear is the sound of their own name." In fact, one of the greatest compliments you can give a person is to remember their name. After all, "It's not what you know, it's who you know."
There are three reasons people typically get involved with you in business, the third being money. That's right, money is not number one, it's number three. The second reason is trust. However, the number one reason people want to do business with you is simply because they like you. Now, if you want people to like you, you ought to remember their name.
Let's say you met someone named John, but you still hadn't really figured out how to remember names. A couple days later, here comes John walking down the street towards you. You mentally scramble to remember his name but resort to "Hey Pal, how are ya?" Problem number one, John knows you don't remember his name. Problem number two, you know that John knows that you don't remember his name. Now, is this going to make you feel comfortable or uncomfortable? More than likely you're already off on the wrong foot.
Remembering a person's name is the quickest way to build rapport. Repeat it back to them, check the pronunciation, and use it often in conversation.
Remember to Smile
How important is body language in a conversation? Dr. Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at UCLA, devised a formula that concludes that 93 percent of communication is "nonverbal." This encompasses not only body language but also vocal manipulation like pitch, tone, and volume. What this means is that your body and your voice are saying a lot more than your words.
When I was back in grad school getting my Master's Degree in Communications, one of my professors pulled me aside and said, "Bob, you're going to have to make an effort to smile more because your neutral face looks like you're ticked off." Without realizing it I was unknowingly communicating something that was far from the truth.
While your resting face might not be as aggressive as mine, remembering to smile will also help align the rest of your body language. It's hard for your body to appear confrontational while you are genuinely smiling. A smile not only puts your audience at ease but also releases dopamine and serotonin in your brain which induces a feeling of happiness.
Take a moment, right now, and smile. Your smile doesn't only affect your body language, but will also help you control the pitch, tone, and volume of your voice.
Remember to Listen
Another important item in building rapport is to ask yourself how good are you at listening? Be honest. When somebody is talking to you, are you actually listening without already passing judgment? Or do you find yourself quickly caught up in thinking about what you are going to say next?
If your mind is firing off in all directions, you won't be able to pay attention or be a good listener. When you stop focusing on the connection between you and whoever is talking and instead focus on what you are going to say next, the connection begins to weaken until eventually, it breaks down.
What if instead you asked a question and rather than planning your next response you decided to let yourself be there for the person and you simply listened? Once they're through talking, before you say anything, pause. Pause for two or three seconds, maybe more. Many times you'll discover that the person had more to say and they'll continue to talk some more.
With many of the people I now know, I can sit down with them and simply listen. In some cases, they'll talk for 30-40 minutes but after our visit, they have told me that they just divulged more to me than anyone else in their life; they can't believe the closeness or the level of connection.
The Power of Pause
Many times while someone is talking you're busy coming up with the second half of a sentence or you hear something and you immediately want to respond. Here's an example: "Disneyland, the happiest..." Most people are quick to respond "place on earth." However, that's the automatic response.
What if instead, you went: "Disneyland, the happiest..." and you pause. You reflect. Instead of the first thing that comes to mind, you'll think "Oh, I remember the happiest time I had at Disneyland was when I took my kids there for vacation when they were all still little..." See how a simple pause led us down a different track?
A Story About The Power of Pause
I was once driving down the freeway on the day my little girl learned how to get out of her car seat all by herself. She hopped out, and when I told her to get back in, she just stared at me defiantly.
I started to get upset. I pulled the car over, ready to solve this the way we'd done a thousand times before. Then I stopped, and I paused. I thought, "Okay, what might be a better solution?" A thought came: "Give her a hug."
My initial response was "Yeah right, like that's going to work" but I decided to test it. I opened the door and said, "Come give Daddy a hug." I got to watch her melt before my eyes. She ran to me, put her little arms around my neck, and began to sob uncontrollably.
When she was done crying, I asked if she was ready to go home. She was. We didn't have another problem all the way home. The outcome was worth the brief pause.
Remember the Communication Danger Signs: W-I-N-E
Let's go over a few communication danger signs that you can keep an eye out for whether you are talking with a friend you've had for years, a spouse, a child, or someone that you're meeting for the first time.
W – Withdrawing
When you see someone begin to withdraw, that's a danger sign for your relationship and your connection. If someone begins to withdraw, ask yourself what is making this occur. Remember the power of pause and apply it—instead of withdrawing away from you, you'll draw people in closer.
I – Invalidation
While the person is saying something, you are busy looking at your watch or checking your phone, or maybe you simply ignore what they said and respond with something totally unrelated. Put your phone and any other distractions away and give your full attention to the person talking.
N – Negative Interpretation
Have you ever gotten a text that the other person sees in a negative way? A great example is when someone comes home late. You could think "Oh, there must be a lot of traffic" or the negative interpretation: "This person just doesn't care about me."
The Dog in the Trap: A man sees a beautiful dog and reaches out to pet him. The dog snarls and tries to bite. His reaction? "Bad dog!" Another man pauses, looks closer, and notices the dog's paw is caught in a trap. No wonder the dog is lashing out. How many times have you let negative interpretation kill what could have been a great relationship?
E – Escalation
This is where you can feel the emotion building and you are getting madder and madder and the connection is starting to break. This often happens with texts—I call this "Texting Armageddon." When you see this happen, take a pause, wait until the emotions settle, and then readdress the issue.
A Lesson in Letting Go
Years ago, my best friend from college broke into my home, took some things, and destroyed my business. I was ready to press charges, consumed with revenge. My mentor asked me, "If you press charges, will that get your business back?" I said no. He told me, "Revenge is taking poison and hoping the other person dies. Let it go."
After two weeks of struggle, I called my friend and said, "I've dropped all the charges. I wish you the best. I just want my friend back." A giant weight was lifted off my shoulders.
One year later, my friend was killed in a car crash. The first thought in my mind was "Aren't you glad you let it go?"
Remember to be Genuine
To deepen a relationship or build greater rapport, recognize that many times individuals have walls up because they are wondering what it is that you truly want. What if you could set up an atmosphere where you don't want anything? You're just there to be with the other person.
How about revealing something from your past, with no expectations? You aren't digging for information or hoping to uncover any secrets, you're just stating that you'd like to share something about yourself.
I speak on stages across the country to 30,000 people and it looks really cool. But here's the rest of the story: I had a series of events that happened 4 years ago where after speaking I would walk off that stage, go back into the green room, and collapse into a massive, ridiculous panic attack. It got progressively worse month after month to where I reached a place that I would look at the clock and say, "It's 3 o'clock. How will I last till 4?"
When I share that story, what happens to all of the walls? They all drop because I revealed something authentic about myself. Being a leader and taking the first steps into vulnerability is what being a leader is all about.
Remember the Takeaways
I have taught memory to tens of thousands of college students, teachers, business professionals, and many more. Let me help you easily remember these 5 takeaways by "attaching" each item to your body.
HEAD → Name Tag
Picture a giant name tag pinned to the top of your head. Remember to call people by their name.
FOREHEAD → Smiley Face
Draw a big smiley face on your forehead with two little eyes. Remember to smile.
EYES → Big Ears
Envision two big ears in your eyes. If you monopolize conversations, make them sufficiently large. Remember to listen.
NOSE → Wine Bottle
Stick a bottle of wine up your nose and pour it down. W-I-N-E: Withdraw, Invalidation, Negative interpretation, Escalation. Remember the danger signs.
MOUTH → Reveal Your Teeth
Display your teeth just like you'll display your true self in conversation. Remember to be genuine.
Let's review from the top down: Name, Smile, Listen, Recognize communication danger signs, and finally Be Yourself.